A page for randomness

According to a report released Monday by the National Institutes of Health, 93 percent of those who get behind the wheel while intoxicated arrive at their homes safe and sound, just like they told everybody they would. “Most of these people are barely even buzzed, and 87 percent of the time they’re driving primarily on back roads for distances of like, eight miles, tops,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Henry Tillman, adding that the vast majority of inebriated drivers stuck with only beer all night, so they were totally fine. “Roughly 64 percent of drunk drivers have cousins who are cops anyway, so it’s really no big deal.” The study concluded that a mere one in 15 drunk drivers end up dying in a cascading torrent of fire, so, you know, odds.

Source: Report: 93% Of Drunk Drivers Get Home Just Fine | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source

Listen to it: Mysterious Zipper Spotted On Back Of McCain’s Neck | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source

GENEVA—In what observers are calling an unprecedented opportunity for the international community to express its grievances against Iran’s controversial leader, dozens of world leaders and key U.N. delegates gathered Saturday to roast Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

The event, which took place beneath U.N. headquarters in the historic Geneva Friars Club, brought together the heads of every G8 member state, as well as some of today’s top foreign policy makers and peace brokers. Roastmaster and former U.N. secretary general Kofi Annan kicked off the evening by welcoming President Ahmadinejad to “what [was] sure to be the first and last time Mahmoud would ever be surrounded by 72 virgins.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, and Tony Blair, we stand here in the presence of one of the most vicious and destructive forces in the world today—but enough about Bea Arthur,” said Annan, gesturing with a tumbler of Makers Mark across the long white tables of chuckling diplomats to the former Golden Girls star. “Some people here tonight will tell you that Mahmoud refuses to engage in diplomatic talks, that he is the most ruthless stonewaller who has ever lived. Well, those people have obviously never met my first wife.”

World Leaders Gather To Roast Mahmoud Ahmadinejad | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source

Rove New Newsweek Columnist | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source
Newsweek magazine hired the president’s former deputy chief of staff, Karl Rove, as a columnist last week. What do you think?

U.S. Intelligence: Iran Possesses Trillions Of Potentially Dangerous Atoms | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source
WASHINGTON—Barely two months after U.N. inspectors in Iran failed to find evidence of an active nuclear weapons program, the Department of Homeland Security uncovered new information Monday proving the Middle Eastern nation has obtained literally trillions of atoms—the same particles sometimes used to make atomic bombs—for unknown purposes.

Radioheads New Honor System | The Onion - Americas Finest News Source
British rockers Radiohead are offering their album as a download and letting fans pay what they want for it. What do you think?

I’m In An Open Relationship With The Lord | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source
With Jesus as my personal Savior, I felt like I had it all. But then we hit a rough patch, and before long, I was beginning to question both my faith in Him and His commitment to me. At one point, it seemed the relationship was doomed. But I did a lot of soul searching, and together we found a solution that fit both of our needs by adopting an alternative theological lifestyle.

Now that I’m in an open relationship with the Lord, I feel a greater spiritual satisfaction than I’ve ever known.

It all started when I was 16 and first asked Jesus to enter my heart. It was incredible. He filled me up with His love. I’d never been redeemed before, but with Jesus it felt so right, as if the sins of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. For a while there, we were communing via the sacraments several times a week! And every night we spent what seemed like hours in long, mutually satisfying sessions of prayer. I worshipped Him.

Soon the honeymoon period ended, however. Whenever I spoke to Him, He seemed distracted and distant—sometimes I wondered if He was listening at all. Daily devotionals felt like we were just going through the motions of repetitive, meaningless dogma. A few months later, I made a potentially disastrous discovery: I found out I wasn’t the only one He was sanctifying.

One day, I overheard my coworker Sally…

Utah Polygamist Convicted | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source
Warren Jeffs, the leader of a polygamous Mormon splinter group, was found guilty of being an accomplice to rape for marrying a 14-year-old girl to a 19-year-old man. What do you think?

Scientists Ask Congress To Fund $50 Billion Science Thing | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source
Top physicists from several major American universities appeared before a Congressional committee Monday to request $50 billion for a science thing that would further U.S. advancement science-wise and broaden human knowing.
The scientists spoke for approximately three hours about the complicated science machine, which is expensive, and large, telling members of the House Committee on Science and Technology that the tubular, gamma-ray-using mechanism is vital in some big way. Yet the high price tag of the thing, which would be built on a 40-square-mile plot of land where the science would ultimately occur, remained a pressing question.

Starbucks Music Giveaway | The Onion - Americas Finest News Source
Starbucks announced that they would be giving away 1.5 million songs a day for one month to promote their music arm and iTunes deal. What do you think?

Prison Libraries Pulling Books On Faith | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source
Chapel-run prison libraries are pulling certain unapproved books on faith, fearing that they may fuel recruitment for militant religious groups. What do you think?

Study: Casual Sex Only Rewarding For First Few Decades | The Onion - Americas Finest News Source
An alarming new study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health reveals that casual sex, the practice of engaging in frequent, spontaneous sexual encounters with new and exciting partners, may only provide unimaginable pleasure and heart-pounding exhilaration for, at most, 25 to 30 years.

“People who choose to participate in random, no-strings-attached lovemaking sessions with sexually adventurous strangers should be advised that this type of behavior is only incredibly liberating for the first quarter-century or so,” said Dr. Loren Sullivan of Yale University, who coauthored the study on the long-term side effects of living out ones wildest fantasies on a semi-weekly basis. “Though sometimes it can be longer.”

Kindergartner Being Groomed For Line-Leader Position | The Onion - Americas Finest News Source
BELLE MEADE, TN—Belle Meade Day School kindergarten teacher Mrs. Allen, 33, says she has known since the first day of class that student Gregory Hutter, 6, was “line-leader material.”

“Hes wasnt the tallest, but he conducted himself as if he were over four feet,” Mrs. Allen said of Hutter, who she believes “has what it takes” to lead the class to key locations throughout the school such as the cafeteria, bathroom, water fountain, and to the playground. “Once hes got his feet under him a bit more, the skys the limit on where he can take this class.”

Teen-On-Homeless Violence Increases | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source
A report issued by the National Coalition for the Homeless says there were more attacks against the homeless in 2006 than in the previous decade, many of them carried out by teenagers. What do you think?

Bush Likens Terror War To U.S. Independence
In a speech at Mount Vernon, President Bush likened the war on terror to the Revolutionary War. What do you think?

Child-Safety Experts Call For Restrictions On Childhood Imagination
WASHINGTON, DC—The Department of Health and Human Services issued a series of guidelines Monday designed to help parents curtail their children’s boundless imaginations, which child-safety advocates say have the potential to rival motor vehicle accidents and congenital diseases as a leading cause of disability and death among youths ages 3 to 14.

“Defuse the ticking time-bomb known as your child’s imagination before it explodes and destroys her completely,” said child-safety expert Kenneth McMillan, who advised the HHS in composing the guidelines. “New data shows a disturbing correlation between serious accidents and the ability of children to envision a world full of exciting possibility.”

FBI Loses Laptops And Guns
According to a recent report, 160 laptops have been lost or stolen from the FBI, as well as 160 weapons. What do you think?

“The fact that the same exact number of guns and laptops are missing is exactly why the FBI should never have fitted their computers with holsters.”

Study Finds Sexism Rampant In Nature
SAN DIEGO—According to a University of California–San Diego study released Monday, sexism is rampant throughout the natural world, particularly among the highest classes of vertebrates.

“When we first decided to examine attitudes and behaviors toward gender roles among non-humans, we were wholly unprepared for what we would find,” said Jennifer Tannen, leader of the UCSD research team, a joint venture between the school’s zoology and women’s studies departments. “Females living in the wild routinely fall victim to everything from stereotyping to exclusion from pack activities to sexual harassment.”

Nowhere is the natural world’s gender inequity more transparent, Tannen said, than in the unfair burden females assume for the rearing of offspring.

“Take the behavior of the ring-neck pheasant,” Tannen said. “After mating, the male immediately abandons the hen, leaving her responsible for the total care for the chicks. For the single mother-to-be, there is no assistance, either in the form of a partner or child support. Nor is there any legal recourse. It’s despicable.”

iTunes To Sell You Your Home Videos For $1.99 Each
CUPERTINO, CA—Apple Computer, producer of the successful iPod MP3 player, is now offering consumers limited rights to buy their own home movies from the media store iTunes for $1.99 each.
“Ladies and gentlemen, the future of home-video viewing is now,” Apple CEO Steve Jobs said at a media event Tuesday morning. “As soon as you record that precious footage of your daughter’s first steps, you’ll be able to buy it right back from iTunes and download it directly to your computer and video iPod.”

God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source

‘No,’ Says God

SAN FRANCISCO–For as long as he can remember, 7-year-old Timmy Yu has had one precious dream: From the bottom of his heart, he has hoped against hope that God would someday hear his prayer to walk again. Though many thought Timmy’s heavenly plea would never be answered, his dream finally came true Monday, when the Lord personally responded to the wheelchair-bound boy’s prayer with a resounding no.

“I knew that if I just prayed hard enough, God would hear me,” said the joyful Timmy, surrounded by stuffed animals sent by well-wishing Christians from around the globe, as he sat in the wheelchair to which he will be confined for the rest of his life. “And now my prayer has been answered. I haven’t been this happy since before the accident, when I could walk and play with the other children like a normal boy.”God’s response came at approximately 10 a.m. Monday, following a particularly fervent Sunday prayer session by little Timmy. Witnesses said God issued His miraculous answer in the form of a towering column of clouds, from which poured forth great beams of Divine light and the music of the Heavenly Hosts. The miraculous event took place in the Children’s Special Care Ward of St. Luke’s Hospital, where Timmy goes three times a week for an excruciating two-hour procedure to drain excess fluid from his damaged spinal column.

Said Angela Schlosser, a day nurse who witnessed the Divine Manifestation: “An incredible, booming voice said to Timmy, ‘I am the Lord thy God, who created the rivers and the mountains, the heavens and the earth, the sun and the moon and the stars. Before Me sits My beloved child, whose faith is that of the mustard seed from which grows mighty and powerful things. My child, Timmy Yu, I say unto you thus: I have heard your prayers, and now I shall answer them. No, you cannot get out of your wheelchair. Not ever.”

Christ Kills Two, Injures Seven In Abortion-Clinic Attack | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source
Jesus Christ, son of God and noted pro-life activist, killed two and critically wounded seven others when He opened fire in the waiting room of a Huntsville abortion clinic Tuesday.

Security guards at the Women’s Medical Clinic of Huntsville were able to disarm the Messiah before He could reload His weapon, a secondhand Glock 9mm pistol that authorities said He purchased legally at a Jackson, MS, sporting-goods store. “Abortion is a sin,” said Christ as He was led away in handcuffs. “It is an abomination in the eyes of Me.” Witnesses said the attack, which took the lives of Dr. Nelson Woodring, 51, and clinic nurse Danielle Costa, 29, came from “out of nowhere.”"He walked up to the admissions desk and asked if He could see Dr. Woodring,” receptionist Iris Reid said. “The next thing I knew, He was shouting Biblical verses and opening fire on everything moving.”

“It was horrible,” said injured clinic nurse Jessica Combs, recovering at a local hospital with bullet wounds to the leg and abdomen. “He put his hands over Dr. Woodring’s head and told him He forgave him for his sins, and then He shot him right in the face.” Huntsville police officials are not certain how the Messiah was able to bypass clinic guards and proceed undetected past security cameras and into the clinic waiting room, where He produced the gun from its hiding place in the folds of His robe. Federal investigators are similarly baffled, saying that the heavily armed Christ had moved in “mysterious ways.”

Speaking to reporters from His holding cell, Christ, 33, said He had “no regrets” about what He had done.

“As I said in John 16:21, every life is precious,” Christ said. “This means every life, not just those who have already been born. My father, the Lord, feels the same way I do. In Jeremiah 1:5, He said unto the prophet Jeremiah, ‘Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.’ The unborn fetus is a sacred, living creation of my Father in Heaven and should be treated as such.”

Added Christ: “What if the Virgin Mary had decided to abort me? Certainly she must have been tempted to do so. After all, it wasn’t even her decision to conceive me in the first place. But in the end, she made the right decision, bringing her pregnancy to term and giving the world a Savior. Blessed is she among women.” According to legal experts, if convicted, Christ could face the death penalty.

Poverty-Stricken Africans Receive Desperately Needed Bibles | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source
MARADI, NIGER—More than 60,000 urgently needed Bibles arrived to allay suffering throughout the famine-stricken nation of Niger Friday, in one of the largest humanitarian-relief operations ever attempted by a Christian ministry.
Enlarge Image Africans

Africans gather in hopes of receiving the Bibles they have hoped for.

“Come rejoice, and feast upon the word of Our Lord, Jesus Christ,” said Christina Clarkson, executive director of the Living Light Ministries of Lubbock, TX. “Those who were hungry, hunger no more, for the Word brings life.”

An exuberant Clarkson said the Bible drop was the culmination of one of the largest and most aggressive grassroots fundraising drives ever undertaken by the organization, which was able to fund the mission largely through local charitable events, such as bake-offs, barbecues, and pie-eating contests.