http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com
Chuck Norris Facts (discovered by myself and my friends):
Can you really keep a secret? Cross your heart? And hope to Chuck?
Chuck Norris doesn’t carpe diem (sieze the day), he carpe totum orbem (siezes the whole world).
Don’t ever give Chuck Norris a blow job, he will blow your mind.
God first sent a flood to destroy all life on the earth.
Next time he will send Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t get hurt. Hurt gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris Facts (From www.chucknorrisfacts.com):
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of
fear.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck
Norris.
Chuck Norris’ blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only
with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man
ate a fucking Indian.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes
that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book
are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.”
After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a
picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to
pay taxes, ever.
CNN was originally created as the “Chuck Norris Network” to update Americans
with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45
minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter
comes straight out.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the
Magnolia.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called
Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick.
When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling,
“Bang!”
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once
swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet
tall and had learned karate.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes
in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was
discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked
him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American
Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to
the face.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?”
contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard,
which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged
by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him
written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious
roundhouse-kick related injuries.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution
in 16 states.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck
Norris.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is
roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won’t be because he is gay. It will be
because he has run out of women.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?
…All of it.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald’s in Texas have an even larger size than
the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be “Norrisized”.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don’t know what
that is, but it sounds AWESOME.
Chuck Norris doesn’t stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes,
and sidewalks.
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ
Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder
to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some
people refer to this as the “Circle of Life.”
Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called
Chucktanium.
The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided
it wasn’t tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck
Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his
name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his
first space expedition.
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself
to sleep.
Movie trivia: The movie “Invasion U.S.A.” is, in fact, a documentary.
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No
one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask
permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is
because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since
1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up
just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris
kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can
cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that
nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he
roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther’s womb.
Chuck Norris’s show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn’t
run.
What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full
name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his
day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life
by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to
life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was
just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have
increased 13,000 percent.
Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger,
on a routine patrol.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as
Giraffes.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be
possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another Chuck Norris
roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse
kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a “hole.” Saddam was roundhouse-kicked
in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth,
stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
Coroners refer to dead people as “ABC’s”. Already Been Chucked.
Chuck Norris doesn’t look both ways before he crosses the street… he just
roundhouses any cars that get too close.
How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Just one. From Chuck Norris.
If you rearrange the letters in “Chuck Norris”, they also spell “Crush Rock In”.
The words “with his fists” are understood.
Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better
player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig
got off easy.
The original title for Star Wars was “Skywalker: Texas Ranger”. Starring Chuck
Norris.
Chuck Norris’ Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he
single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis’ Career.
In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization “Kick Drugs Out of
America”. If the organization’s name were “Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of
America”, there wouldn’t be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with
“obstruction of justice.” This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two
places at the same time.
Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck
Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the
Playstation back to Japan.
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also
Chuck Norris’ initials. This is not a coincidence.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck
Norris is on.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis:
One in each hand, one in each foot — and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into
the air, so that it sprays bullets.
For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt,
directly into his chest.
A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the
product of history’s most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation,
the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had
an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his
legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly,
and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing
wire.
Back in the ’30s, there was a lot of controversy because Chuck Norris was the
first black woman to refuse to sit at the back of the bus. He karate-chopped
every white person’s head off in sight, and now he sits wherever the fuck he
wants to.
For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of
the war decreases. Just 3 more “Missing in Action” sequels, and that war will
have never actually existed.
During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For
torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China’s over-population. He hosted a Karate
tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into
coal.
Chuck Norris only waves to people who doesn’t have any hands. He wants them to
think he’s cocky.
Contrary to Kayne West’s infamous statement, Chuck Norris doesn’t care about
black people.
27. The number of fatal roundhouse-kicks to the face Chuck Norris has given to
other people in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
Chuck Norris slicks his hair back with his victims sweat.
Chuck Norris was once high. This is when he found out that butter is way better
than margarine.
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t own a pager or a cell phone. He is always around everyone,
ever. If you need to contact him, whisper, “Hey Chuck Norris” and he will turn
his head to the right and say “What?”
The hit series ‘Lost’ takes place in Chuck Norris’ beard.
10×10= Chuck Norris.
So fed up of his slow computer system at home, Chuck Norris pissed anabolic
steroids and increased its performance.
Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step father.
Ask not what Chuck Norris can do for you, but what can you do for Chuck Norris?
If you don’t know who your biological father is, it’s probably Chuck Norris’
mother.
Michael Jackson’s nose is about to fall off because Chuck Norris gave him a
facial.
Chuck Norris’ 5 o’clock shadow appears yesterday.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that is why there are no signs of life
there.
Chuck Norris can do 137 pushups. With his feet.
Ashton Kutcher once tried to punk Chuck Norris. After Ashton told him “You got
punked!” Chuck Norris immediately Karate-chopped him in the left testicle and
responded, “No I didn’t, your testicles did.”
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Will Smith once said, “I got to get me one of these.” Chuck Norris does in fact
have one of those.
Chuck Norris never has to force a confession out of a convict. They all spill
their guts immediately…and literally.
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