personal 25 Nov 2003 11:16 pm
Temet Dosce
I finally feel like updatin this damned thing. I dunno…too much stuff happens for me to write in here so I just feel like I would never remember half of it, so I just say screw it.
But I feel like writing now…..weird.
[Begin Rambling]
t.g. break is good. I’m enjoying the pause from school. So far I’ve been pretty lazy, which is what I had intended (and do some homework, but I haven’t done that). I basically done nothing so far, and intend to keep it that way.
There is this one side note, though. This may sound trivial, but I’ve reinstalled windows on my damn computer 5 times, bc
it is being a stupid and won’t stop with random bsod’s. Oh well..i should just break the living crap out of it, but I won’t, cuz I need something to do hw on. Ha.
Ashley came to visit me tonight. It’s always good to see her, bc we talk about random stuff in our lives and whatnot. It’s strange how our ways and paths become more defined as we grow…it is interesting the choices that your friends and
people have made, and where they are now. My cousin is cool, I enjoy talking to her, we always did get along pretty well, even when my mom babysat us.
Everytime I talk to her, I feel as if I have a reality check. I don’t know why, but I just all of a sudden feel weird. I think to myself and conclude that what I am, and how I behave is so different from what I used to be, somewhat rebel-ish. But then I talk to her and I feel that all of those things are little, and trivial and don’t really matter…basically I conclude that I am the equivalent of a loser. But I shouldn’t and I guess I do and don’t at the same time. In some ways I have remained “pure” are whatever you wanna call it, and I want to do something productive with my life. I suppose the weird feeling is from me not completely knowing myself and feeling a void from lack of experiencing certain things.
Changing the subject….school has been good. I am such a different person there from what I am here (here being my home). I guess what it is…it’s me without having to hold back my true personality. Here I have to restrain myself and be something that I really am not…which I hate doing, even though I do it pretty well. I feel that I have no stress, no cares (other than schoolwork), and it just makes me feel the equivalent of being free, emotionally. I feel trapped when im here.
I am so different from my family. I get along with them, now, but I see how different I really am from them. Mainly im
talking about my parents. They are living their dream life I suppose…they spend all their time dealing with church and spending time with the pastor and his wife, and they are caught up in the whole god idea. I see all types of people, people that are religious, yet live their lives how they want, maybe with some minor restriction. The parentals, its different, their live is based off of what some book tells them and they feel that they must follow every damn line in it so strictly and to the point, even if it means that they will have to sacrifice doing certain things or whatnot…all for the hope that when they die, they will be looked upon as “good” and they will be able to make up for certain joys they could not have here, in an eternal plane that they believe they will wake up to.
Who knows whether or not there is a heaven, or that people live eternally after they die, or that they do not live eternally. I simply cannot prove either way. It is within every person to come to that decision. Mine is more logical…theirs is more emotional.
Not quite sure where im gonna go to college….i’ve basically narrowed it down to either texas a&m or la tech. At la tech, I can pretty much go for free, and get extra cash from tops.